Friendship is the foundation in which love is built!
In Gottman's research he found that strong marriages have strong friendship as a defining characteristic of the relationship. When Gottman's whole book is about building friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways so that it does not negatively affect friendship. When Gottman mentions friendship, he is referring to people who enjoy spending time with one another. When a marriage is founded on principles that create a strong friendship, it is far more likely to be successful because the foundation is there.
I liked how the introduction in Goddard's book sets the stage for understanding the rest of the book. The central idea in the introduction was explained in the last few paragraphs, it reads:
"The answers are in the Principles--
The Gospel of Jesus Christ-that great plan of happiness-provides the
solutions for our humanness. Having suffered the bitter fruits of badness, it
invites us to prize the good fruits of gospel-anchored relationships (see Moses
6:55).
Most marriage programs emphasize a set of skills to help partners express
14
Discontents in fair, non-attacking ways. The assumption is that every marriage
has its discontents and that those must be processed in non-destructive ways
in order for the relationship to function well.
My assumption is very different. I believe that the key to a healthy
relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born
again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things
bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process
them in helpful ways.
Notice that God offers just one single escape clause from our desperate
mortal, fallen situation: "For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to God [and
his or her partner], and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever
and ever, unless [Here comes the escape clause!] he yields to the enticings of the
Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the
atonement of Christ the Lord' (Mosiah 3:19, emphasis added).
In the upcoming chapters, I will discuss the core gospel principles and
describe the ways they can take us from our self-serving and self-centered
traditions of the natural spouse-the spouse unchanged by the Spirit of
God-toward the good and gracious ways of godliness. These are the First
Principles of Eternal Marriage. These are the principles that will enable us to
draw heaven into our marriages. These powerful principles can have eternal
results."
The Gospel of Jesus Christ-that great plan of happiness-provides the
solutions for our humanness. Having suffered the bitter fruits of badness, it
invites us to prize the good fruits of gospel-anchored relationships (see Moses
6:55).
Most marriage programs emphasize a set of skills to help partners express
14
Discontents in fair, non-attacking ways. The assumption is that every marriage
has its discontents and that those must be processed in non-destructive ways
in order for the relationship to function well.
My assumption is very different. I believe that the key to a healthy
relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person-to be born
again-to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, fewer things
bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process
them in helpful ways.
Notice that God offers just one single escape clause from our desperate
mortal, fallen situation: "For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to God [and
his or her partner], and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever
and ever, unless [Here comes the escape clause!] he yields to the enticings of the
Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the
atonement of Christ the Lord' (Mosiah 3:19, emphasis added).
In the upcoming chapters, I will discuss the core gospel principles and
describe the ways they can take us from our self-serving and self-centered
traditions of the natural spouse-the spouse unchanged by the Spirit of
God-toward the good and gracious ways of godliness. These are the First
Principles of Eternal Marriage. These are the principles that will enable us to
draw heaven into our marriages. These powerful principles can have eternal
results."
Goddard's approach to explaining a successful relationship is one that is founded on God, where we draw heaven into the marriage. I am looking forward to reading his book because I want to learn of ways to make my marriage strong.
I the Scripture Mosiah 3:19 explains how the natural man is an enemy to God, this is because we are all subject to human weaknesses and desires. We need to strive to "give way" to the natural enticing of man and be listen to the spirit.
I have noticed that when I do not give into the "natural man" I feel more fulfilled and closer to our Heavenly Father and l can more easily look outward and serve others.
I also liked the Gottman quote referring to what friendship means, "mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." Respect is such an important aspect in any relationship. We need to do our best to have a positive sentiment and attitude towards those we love, and look for ways to connect. You bring up a good point when you talk about how "overcoming the natural man while in a relationship means you have to focus on them as well as keeping yourself in check." The natural man is something we all need to recognize, and look to overcome.
I like to look up terms that I am studying in Gospel tools to help deepen my studies. When I searched "Natural Man" the following popped up:
Natural Man
See also Born Again, Born of God; Carnal; Fall of Adam and Eve
A person who chooses to be influenced by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things. All people are carnal, or mortal, because of the Fall of Adam and Eve. Each person must be born again through the Atonement of Jesus Christ to cease being a natural man.
The natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit, 1 Cor. 2:14.
The natural man is an enemy to God and should be put off, Mosiah 3:19.
He that persists in his own carnal nature remaineth in his fallen state, Mosiah 16:5 (Alma 42:7–24; D&C 20:20).
What natural man is there that knoweth these things, Alma 26:19–22.
Natural or carnal men are without God in the world, Alma 41:11.
Because of his transgression, man became spiritually dead, D&C 29:41.
Neither can any natural man abide the presence of God, D&C 67:12.
And man began to be carnal, sensual, and devilish, Moses 5:13 (Moses 6:49).
Something that stood out to me when I read the first part, was that it says that the natural man is a person who CHOOSES (they are making a choice) to be INFLUENCED (acted upon- which implies that they are not able to fully make decisions properly because they are swayed... "by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit". This was interesting to me because it made me think of our agency, and how we have the ability to make choices that are good, bad, neutral... but when we make a poor choice, it can have negative effects that alter our ability to choose good things or our behavior. There are many examples of this, but something that comes to mind is that when someone chooses to drink alcohol, they make that choice, then they become "under the influence" therefore they struggle to make decisions while they are intoxicated. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things. When we are influenced by the adversary, it can become a slippery slope of negative decisions, which can effect us personally and can effect others including our spouse. I like dissecting meanings behind things, so I could go on and on... but I will stop with just that example.
Goddard's approach to explaining a successful relationship is one that is founded on God, where we draw heaven into the marriage. I am looking forward to reading his book because I want to learn of ways to make my marriage strong.
I the Scripture Mosiah 3:19 explains how the natural man is an enemy to God, this is because we are all subject to human weaknesses and desires. We need to strive to "give way" to the natural enticing of man and be listen to the spirit.
I have noticed that when I do not give into the "natural man" I feel more fulfilled and closer to our Heavenly Father and l can more easily look outward and serve others.
Positive Sentiment Override vs Negative Sentiment Override
Positive Sentiment Override: Positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.
Negative Sentiment Override: Negative thoughts that occur when one partner expresses something neutral (as rated by external observers), and the other responds negatively. The receiver makes negative meaning of the message sent and responds accordingly.
Quiz to take to see if you are experiencing negative sentiment override in your relationship:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/quiz-negative-sentiment-override/
Positive Sentiment Override vs Negative Sentiment Override
Positive Sentiment Override: Positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.
Negative Sentiment Override: Negative thoughts that occur when one partner expresses something neutral (as rated by external observers), and the other responds negatively. The receiver makes negative meaning of the message sent and responds accordingly.
Quiz to take to see if you are experiencing negative sentiment override in your relationship:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/quiz-negative-sentiment-override/
In my marriage, I would consider my relationship to be one that is characterized by positive sentiment override. I believe this to be accurate because we always look for the best in one another, give the benefit of the doubt, focus on the intent (which is always good), and we view one another with love and respect. Whenever there is a conflict or disagreement in our relationship, we are not quick to judgement, and accusations, and we communicate effectively. A simple example of this is that I can be hard on myself, because I feel badly for not doing things around the house at times that I am incredibly busy with works, school, callings and other obligations. My husband always reminds me that I am doing my best, and that it is okay to not be able to do everything. I appreciate him being sweet when I am hard on myself, knows my intent, and is a great teammate. If we had a relationship with negative sentiment override, my husband may view me as begin too busy for him, or be resentful towards my schedule. In relationships that have negative sentiment override, they view their partner in a negative light, even over something simple. This way of thinking overshadows the positive thoughts about a person, and clouds everything with a negative perspective.
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