Managing Conflict-- Week 9

Managing Conflict-- How to make it work!

How do we manage marital conflict?

In order to manage conflict, we must first understand what is causing the conflict. This can take some digging, because the conflict may be stemming from unmet needs, or an emotion that we "cannot control". We sometimes hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to," “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose! To those who say, “But I can’t help myself,” author William Wilbanks responds: “Nonsense.” “Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?”

I like the above information because I agree that anger is absolutely a choice, and people should take responsibility for their responses to stressful situations instead of pass it off as something they cant control. Of course, there are people who struggle with anger management, and it is much harder for them to deal with, but even people with those issues can still choose how to respond-- it may just take more effort.

According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual. I think that this is likely an accurate number because, too often people don't get to the root of the issue, therefore they do not solve the problem and it becomes an issue that keeps on going. Wouldn't it be great if we could solve all perpetual marital issues by just getting to the "root" of the issue!? 

Happily Married Couples vs Unhappily Married Couples When Addressing Problems

There is a key difference between happy and unhappy married couples when they address perpetual problems. Happy couples address issues with respect, they listen to one another, they seek for understanding, and genuinely look for solutions. Happily married couples want the best for their relationship, and will do whatever they can to make perpetual problem no longer be an issue. Perpetual problems often have a reason behind why they keep coming up, sometimes it takes a while to fix these problems. Happily married couples will continually work on their problems, without giving up. I am someone who likes to address issues as soon as possible, and I have noticed that by doing so my husband and I have very few areas of conflict. Communication is key!

Whether a problem is solvable or perpetual, what is the underlying key to successfully address conflict?

In his popular book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr John Gottman describes repair attempts: This term refers to any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.  In my relationships I have noticed that when I use repair attempts, it almost always is successful in improving the tension. I like the quote, "We repeat what we don't repair!" Some examples of repair attempts are:

Why is forgiveness so important?

Gottman highlights the importance of forgiveness as something that can transform your marriage! He writes, "Gottman explain that, “one person's response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.” Apologize to your partner when appropriate. This will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow you both to move on."  Forgiveness is so vital to a strong marriage. In order for a relationship to grow and be strong the couple must be willing to love their spouse through difficulties and move past difficult moments. This can be difficult, depending on the level of forgiveness needed, but it is so worth it because the result is a strong relationship!