Marriage

Managing Conflict and Improving Relationships With In-Laws Marriage is not only the joining of two individuals, it is the joining of two families. Family culture, beliefs, communication styles, how to handle conflict, and so much more play an important role in the way an individual views the world, and relationships. It is fascinating to observe how family dynamics impact a marriage. I notice that people tend to have the attitude of, “I’m not marrying the family, I am marring him/her” or “I don’t need to have a relationship with his/her family we will have our own family” or “I hate my in-laws!” I feel as if it is becoming increasingly rare that there are healthy and close relationships with in-laws. Two of my closest girlfriends got married in the last two years and happen to have married guys who had a previous 4-5-year marriage. We commonly discuss how their relationships are so similar. Each of my friends have husbands whose ex-wifes cheated on them, are super close with the...

Family Councils We have been taught that families should council together to check in with one another, plan, and become united. “Each family organization should include a family council comprised of all members of the family unit,” Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles says. “Here the basic responsibilities of the family organization can be taught to the children. They can learn how to make decisions and act upon those decisions.” Elder Perry also noted that every family has different needs. Some are students trying to study and raise a family at the same time, some are older and no longer have children at home, some are single parents, and some are individuals living alone. “Each has different needs, and these needs are changing every year,” he said. However, “there is still need to organize time and thought to establish goals for meeting needs.” I believe it is important to have family councils to help the family be united! I have been married for 2.5 ...

Fidelity and Physical Intimacy Fidelity is so important for a marriage to be successful! Marriage is to be founded on God, love, trust, and fidelity! Kenneth W. Matheson explained the different kinds of fidelity in his talk entitled "Fidelity in Marriage, It's More Than You think." He wrote:  "Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind. Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing." This is an important point that he makes because, too often people rely on others for their emotional connection rather than their souse. This can be a slippery slope because it seems innocent initially, but can easily become a slippery slope of infidelity.  Being faithful a...

Seeking to Understand One Another & Overcoming Gridlock Gridlock is when a couple struggles with perpetual issues that end up killing the relationship because they are set in their ways or are unwilling to compromise and work through the conflict. When a couple tries to work on things, and don't seem to get anywhere, it is a good indicator of being gridlocked. Gottman created a list of the signs of gridlock, that can be helpful to couples to identify how they are doing with managing conflict. There is a difference between solvable and perpetual/gridlocked issues, as Gottman explains, it is important to know how to identify the difference between the two, so that it can be approached in a way that is the most helpful.  One way we can overcome gridlock is by the "Marital Poop Detector"... What is this? Well, Gottman explains that it is the ability to recognize "early whether something just doesn't smell right" or if there is a problem. There is usuall...

Managing Conflict-- How to make it work! How do we manage marital conflict? In order to manage conflict, we must first understand what is causing the conflict. This can take some digging, because the conflict may be stemming from unmet needs, or  an emotion that we "cannot control" . We sometimes hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting  choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,"  “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.”  “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth  that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved.  Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry.  We choose!  To those who say, “But I can’t help myself,” author William Wilbanks responds:...

In President Benson's talk "Beware of Pride," there were many stand out quotes that made me really think. I feel as if I could break down each and every paragraph, because the whole talk was so good! Some of these quotes include: I love this quote because it explains what pride means in more detail than many realize. I know that enmity- which means hostility and opposing someone or something- will interfere with our ability to humble ourselves and change. If we are oppositional towards others and God we will struggle to let down pride. The contrast between pride and humility is an important distinction to make because it puts into perspective that pride and humility do not coincide. We must be willing to humble ourselves in order to change and improve. I know that when people are stubborn it is difficult to be humble. I am someone who can be stubborn at times, therefore I struggle to humble myself to make changes. I know that during the times in my li...

Staying Emotionally Connected Staying emotionally connected is such an important aspect to a strong relationship. All relationships are different, and require a unique attention, but all relationships need emotional connection to flourish in all areas of the relationship.  What are Bids for Connection? A  bid for connection  is any attempt that one partner makes to the other in hopes to connect in a variety of ways: attention, affection, affirmation, etc. These bids could be verbal or nonverbal behaviors that one partner uses to gain attention from the other. The other partner can respond by acknowledging the bid aka turning towards it, or by ignoring it aka turning away.  Why is this important? Recognizing bids for connection is critical in connection with your spouse. Often times, bids go unnoticed and/or are misinterpreted. This can be problematic because a lack of connection interferes with a marriages overall happiness. If one spouse offers a bi...

Love Maps After learning about love maps I now know of the importance. Love maps help couples to know one another's worlds, to share fondness and admiration, to turn towards one another instead of away, to have a positive perspective, to help manage conflict by accepting your partner's influence, have dialogue about problems and to practice self-soothing, it aids in making life dreams come true and to create shared meaning. It was interesting learning about love maps because I had never heard of them before. I am going to create a love map with my husband. I think it could be a fun activity to do with my husband to help us connect on another level. It can be difficult to maintain love maps overtime because it is an ongoing map that evolves with the couple as new struggles or goals arise. Marriages are such complex relationships that have both external and internal factors influencing the marriage.  Loves maps help you to understand your spouse, and it offers another way t...

It is important in my life to ensure that my marriage is a covenant marriage and not a contractual marriage. I do this by keeping an Eternal Perspective in my marriage. I focus on our progression in this life to prepare for the next life. We can do this by consistently working on our goals, love, and connection. We can do things to strengthen our marriage by improving our spirituality. As it says on the LDS website: " Covenant marriage  requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their  covenants  without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called “incomprehensible joy.”" I like how it says that covenant marriages requires a total leap of faith, because marriages should be filled with faith, hope and a positive mindset.  In marriages that are contractual, often times it is looked at with less optimism. Marriages without faith are more likely...

Friendship is the foundation in which love is built! In Gottman's research he found that strong marriages have strong friendship as a defining characteristic of the relationship. When Gottman's whole book is about building friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways so that it does not negatively affect friendship. When Gottman mentions friendship, he is referring to people who enjoy spending time with one another. When a marriage is founded on principles that create a strong friendship, it is far more likely to be successful because the foundation is there.  I liked how the introduction in Goddard's book sets the stage for understanding the rest of the book. The central idea in the introduction was explained in the last few paragraphs, it reads: "The answers are in the Principles-- The Gospel of Jesus Christ-that great plan of happiness-provides the solutions for our humanness. Having suffered the bitter fruits of badness, it invites us to prize t...

Obergefell v Hodges I think that the article summarizing the opinion of the Supreme Court in Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) was included in this week’s readings to bring to light both sides of the argument as to how Same-Sex Couples and their legal rights should be. It is interesting reading about the arguments each side made. I would like more closely read this article so that I have a better understanding of each side’s “whys”. Latter-Day Saints View As a Latter-day Saint I do not believe that we blow out of proportion the redefining of marriage because we believe in protecting the sanctity of marriage as President Nelson says, “Wherever we go, you and I as disciples of the Lord bear a solemn responsibility to proclaim the will of God to all people. And one of the more demanding opportunities of our time is to stand up for the truth regarding the sacred nature of marriage.” We must stand up to truth, even if it is not the popular viewpoint. Marriage is the “crowning ordinance” in...

“Love is the very essence of life. It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet it is not found only at the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arched across the sky on a stormy day. Love is the security for which children weep, the yearning of youth, the adhesive that binds marriage, and the lubricant that prevents devastating friction in the home; it is the peace of old age, the sunlight of hope shining through death. How rich are those who enjoy it in their associations with family, friends, and neighbors! Love, like faith, is a gift of God. It is also the most enduring and most powerful virtue.” -Gordon B. Hinckley I love this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley because it beautiful explains the importance of marriage. He describes how it is something that should be cherished and valued as the most important thing. Love has the ability to spur beauty in our homes. I love that he says that, "Love is also the most enduring a...