Managing Conflict- Week 13

Managing Conflict and Improving Relationships With In-Laws

Marriage is not only the joining of two individuals, it is the joining of two families. Family culture, beliefs, communication styles, how to handle conflict, and so much more play an important role in the way an individual views the world, and relationships. It is fascinating to observe how family dynamics impact a marriage. I notice that people tend to have the attitude of, “I’m not marrying the family, I am marring him/her” or “I don’t need to have a relationship with his/her family we will have our own family” or “I hate my in-laws!” I feel as if it is becoming increasingly rare that there are healthy and close relationships with in-laws.

Two of my closest girlfriends got married in the last two years and happen to have married guys who had a previous 4-5-year marriage. We commonly discuss how their relationships are so similar. Each of my friends have husbands whose ex-wifes cheated on them, are super close with their families, are huge mommas’ boys, and struggle with finding balance between their family of origin, and their marriage and future family. 

When I read Chapter 37: “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families.” I read the first page, and immediately knew that they would benefit from reading this document! I emailed it to those two girlfriends, and they responded with such gratefulness. I was out to dinner with these two friends yesterday, and we discussed how their husbands need to learn to, “cut the cord” with their mom. The husbands are so attached and “enmeshed” with their families that they are unable to connect properly with their wife. “Enmeshment describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted. If a married child can't attend a family event, he feels like he is offending his parents, and his parents will be personally hurt.” 

The reading goes on to explain how, “Closeness, on the other hand, is different form enmeshment.  Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present. These children, in turn, have a sense of their parents' own security so they don't have to always be near them to take care of them emotionally. Parents who struggle with enmeshment will have difficulty helping their married children keep a strong marital boundary. Such parents feel they have to be inside the fence with their child and his or her new spouse. Parents need to learn to let married children have their own experiences and solve their own problems, except for situations when parents are invited to provide input and support.”

One of my girlfriends specifically commented on this area of the reading, and how she relates to this so strongly. She is planning to discuss what she has learned from this chapter with her husband, and then come up with a game plan as to how they can improve the relationship and boundaries with their family members.

I am grateful for coming from a home where I grew up with the gospel, and have the knowledge of eternal families. Families are such an important part of this life, and play an essential role in our eternal progression. I want to create a family that is founded on love and is centered around the gospel. I want to continue to become closer with my in-laws because I value them and want to be close. 

I feel that so many people get caught up in the now and allow for the dramas of today's world to overshadow their perspective of the important things in life such as eternal families. We need to prioritize the most important things in our lives. Dieter F. Uchtdorf says it well when he said, “Our second key relationship is with our families. Since “no other success can compensate for failure” here, we must place high priority on our families. We build deep and loving family relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.”