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Staying Emotionally Connected

Staying Emotionally Connected
Staying emotionally connected is such an important aspect to a strong relationship. All relationships are different, and require a unique attention, but all relationships need emotional connection to flourish in all areas of the relationship. 
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What are Bids for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt that one partner makes to the other in hopes to connect in a variety of ways: attention, affection, affirmation, etc. These bids could be verbal or nonverbal behaviors that one partner uses to gain attention from the other. The other partner can respond by acknowledging the bid aka turning towards it, or by ignoring it aka turning away. 
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Why is this important?
Recognizing bids for connection is critical in connection with your spouse. Often times, bids go unnoticed and/or are misinterpreted. This can be problematic because a lack of connection interferes with a marriages overall happiness. If one spouse offers a bid for connection, and the other ignores it intentionally, doesn't notice it, or gets defensive (for a variety of reasons) they miss an opportunity to fulfill a need for their spouse. We need to learn of our spouses needs and how they offer bids by communicating with other another. Communicating our needs as well as learning of our spouses is helpful because it allows for openness, and allows for more needs to be met.
What does it mean to Turn Toward One Another?
Gottman explains in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, of what it means to turn towards your spouse and why it is beneficial to the relationship. 
The principle of turning toward one another and the following verse of scripture, connect beautifully because they both encompass the purpose of connection. When we consistently put forth effort in a relationship, it lays the foundation of a solid relationship. If a relationship is founded on trust, respect, friendship, and so much more, it will be much more rewarding that an relationship that does not have a strong foundation. Fulfilling relationships need a firm foundation.
D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."
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Examples of turning towards one another:
Turning towards one another is all about tuning in your intentions of your heart, and actions to reflect those that support your spouse and strengthening the relationship. Viewing the relationship with an "us" mindset is so important when planning for the future, and connecting.

Challenges of turning toward one another:

Sometimes it can be difficult to turn towards one another because we do not recognize the bids for affection. If we do not know how our spouse is trying to connect with us, we are unable to turn towards the other in those moments. This unawareness can lead to missed opportunities to connect.

What to do about those challenges?

We can communicate with our spouse.
We can be more aware of our needs and share those with our spouse.
We can be more aware of our spouses needs, and do our best to fulfill those needs.
We can do activities to learn about one another.
We can check in on our spouse, and see if their needs have changed.

And so much more!


What are the challenges with turning toward one another?

Sometimes turning towards one another can be difficult because of a variety of reasons. Some include: stubbornness, a lack of trust, a lack of desire, a feeling like it won't help, etc.

In order for their to be change and improvement we must work on ourselves and work on the relationship. It takes a lot of effort and time in order to build a strong relationship. 

The Sound Relationship House:

This theory is the foundation of the Gottman Method, which uses a practical approach to help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection, and intimacy in their relationships.

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I like this quote because it is all about the small moments, adding up to create a sense of trust and security in a relationship. 


Personal Application

I do my best to be aware of my husbands bids for attention, so that I can know what he needs. I want to be in-tune with him and how he perceives our relationship. My husband does a great job at recognizing my bids and acting in a way that helps me. I appreciate the efforts we each make to strengthen our relationship and love. The act of turning towards my spouse and him turning towards me has greatly strengthened our communication and connection. 

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